How to Talk to Kids About Deep Feelings

Many parents wonder: How do I talk to my child about the really big feelings — sadness, fear, anger, disappointment?

‍
It can feel tricky. You don’t want to dismiss them, but you also don’t want to overwhelm them with advice. The good news? Research gives us some clear guidance on how parents can respond in ways that help children build emotional strength.

‍

Why Talking About Feelings Matters

‍

Children aren’t born knowing how to name or manage their emotions. They learn through “emotion coaching” — the everyday conversations parents have with them about what they’re feeling and why.

‍
📖 Studies show that children whose parents actively acknowledge and talk about emotions develop better self-regulation, fewer behaviour problems, and stronger social skills (Eisenberg, Cumberland, & Spinrad, 1998).

‍

The Pitfalls to Avoid

‍

It’s natural to want to protect kids from pain, but research shows that some protective behaviours actually make it harder for children to process emotions.

‍

• Minimizing: “Don’t cry, it’s not a big deal.” → Kids may learn feelings are wrong or unimportant.
  
  
• Over-fixing: Jumping to solutions too fast makes children feel they can’t handle emotions on their own.
  
  
• Over-reacting: Showing anger, panic, or sadness bigger than the child’s can make them afraid to share again.

‍

What Works Best: Evidence-Based Approaches

‍

1. Stay calm and present
   Children mirror your state. If you stay steady, you create safety for them to open up.
   
   
2. Acknowledge and validate Reflect what you see: “That was really disappointing”. Research shows validation reduces emotional intensity and encourages kids to keep talking (Shields et al., 2001).
   
   
3. Name the feeling
   Help them label it: “It sounds like you’re angry because your friend didn’t include you”. Naming helps the brain regulate.
   
   
4. Invite, don’t impose, problem-solving
   Ask: “What do you think might help next time?” This supports autonomy and resilience, instead of dependence.
   
   
5. Model openness with your own emotions
   When you share in age-appropriate ways — “I felt nervous before my big meeting, so I took a few deep breaths” — you show that feelings are normal and manageable.
   

‍

Why This Builds Long-Term Resilience

‍

Children who grow up in homes where emotions are named and accepted don’t just cope better in the moment. They develop:

‍

• Better stress regulation (their brains literally show calmer physiological responses)
  
  
• Closer relationships with their parents (because they feel safe sharing)
  
  
• Greater resilience (they learn feelings pass, and they can handle hard things)

‍

📖 Gottman and colleagues (1996) call this “emotion coaching” — and decades of follow-up studies show it predicts children’s emotional intelligence, academic outcomes, and social success.

‍